[Subtitles by danielsangeo]
So, I'm the one that gets
to go through training.
HOLOGRAM: Hello, and welcome to the
Hello!
HOLOGRAM: Black Mesa Hazard Course,
Oh wait, you're not real.
HOLOGRAM: where you will be trained
HOLOGRAM: in the use of the
HOLOGRAM: Hazardous Environment Suit.
Dammit.
HOLOGRAM: I am your holographic assistant.
HOLOGRAM: Let's begin by
Yeah, a holograph.
HOLOGRAM: stepping into your suit.
HOLOGRAM: You can see it suspended up
HOLOGRAM: If you see one of these buttons,
HOLOGRAM: press it and--
Okay.
HOLOGRAM: Hello, and welcome to the
HOLOGRAM: Black Mesa Hazard Course,
Oh, come on!
HOLOGRAM: where you will be trained
You tell me to press the button and
HOLOGRAM: in the use of the
that just resets the audio?
HOLOGRAM: Hazardous Environment Suit.
Yeah, that's great programming there, guys.
HOLOGRAM: I am your holographic assistant.
This thing looks heavy.
HOLOGRAM: Let's begin by...
HEV: Welcome to the HEV Mark 4
Protective System.
HEV: For use in hazardous
environment conditions.
Well, I guess I'm done with training, then.
I am not impressed so far.
HOLOGRAM: Moving around in your HEV
suit can be slightly disorienting at first.
HOLOGRAM: Take a moment to familiarize
Whoa! How is this being projected?
HOLOGRAM: yourself with basic movement
I don't see any projectors.
HOLOGRAM: and soon it will fit
you like a second skin.
HOLOGRAM: I will see you just
around the corner.
Okay, well, that DOES impress me.
Must be nanoemitters or something.
Man, tech like that kind of contrasts with
all this rusted metal and worn-down concrete.
Maybe this training isn't a
joke. Who knows?
Well, I seem to be passing with
flying colors so far.
Ah, this must be the gimp closet.
I don't think I'm going to
come back here.
The only reason I'm here is
because everyone else on the team
is too damned frail to do any
physical activity whatsoever.
So, because I can lift a box,
HOLOGRAM: The first move we will practice
I'm automatically the lab gopher.
HOLOGRAM: in the Hazard Course
is basic jumping.
HOLOGRAM: You will attempt to
get over this set of pipes
HOLOGRAM: using only your run
and jump commands.
HOLOGRAM: It helps to
"Commands", huh?
HOLOGRAM: get a running start.
Who wrote this?
HOLOGRAM: Watch me and
then try it yourself.
That is damned impressive
holography, though. I'll give them that.
SCIENTIST: Those new suits can be tricky.
SCIENTIST: Please proceed
to the next area.
"Please proceed to the next area."
I bet you've never done a hurdle
in your life, fat boy.
Everyone here thinks they're an expert.
HOLOGRAM: You will now duck
under the next set of obstacles.
HOLOGRAM: Please note that crouching
will automatically shift your suit into
HOLOGRAM: stealth-mode,
Riiiight...
HOLOGRAM: minimizing movement noise.
That must be our marketing department's
way of saying we have
rubber padding around
the knees of the suit.
I bet this suit is expensive, though.
Kind of makes me wonder why I need it.
I don't disarm bombs for a living.
SCIENTIST: Very good!
I hardly noticed you.
SCIENTIST: Move on to the next area.
Don't make me come up there.
Why is that guy watching me?
Does he think I'm going to cheat
and cut through the pipes?
HOLOGRAM: Now we will combine skills.
Oh!
HOLOGRAM: You will need to jump,
duck, and then jump again.
HOLOGRAM: This will prepare you
for the next room,
HOLOGRAM: where you will have to
do both moves at the same time.
SCIENTIST: You look prepared for
the next station.
What the hell? There's a panel
of you people?
You're going to start holding up
scores next?
I expect 10s.
I'd better see 10s.
HOLOGRAM: To get into these pipes,
Yeah, I think I get the idea.
HOLOGRAM: you'll have to signal your suit
Don't worry about it.
HOLOGRAM: to make a duck-jump.
HOLOGRAM: You'll have to stand right
How stupid do they think we are?
HOLOGRAM: at the mouth of the pipe,
HOLOGRAM: and continue to press forward.
I guess pretty stupid,
HOLOGRAM: Then, jump up, and while...
she's going into detail.
And why are there pictures of
batteries inside the pipes?
Who do they think is taking this?
Kind of like crawling backwards
through a mini-golf course.
I've always wanted to do that.
HOLOGRAM: Walk directly into the ladder,
look up and continue moving forward.
HOLOGRAM: If you want to come
back down, just move backward.
'To wipe your ass, first orient your hand
behind yourself, then move it forward.'
Honestly, who doesn't know how
to use a ladder?
Somehow, I don't think this program
is designed for the gifted.
HOLOGRAM: The next three jumps get harder
each time, but they are quite possible.
HOLOGRAM: Don't be surprised if
you miss the last one a time or two.
HOLOGRAM: If you can make all
three in a continuous run,
HOLOGRAM: you are doing well.
HOLOGRAM: Great work!
I know.
HOLOGRAM: Now there is one more
style of jumping you need to learn.
"Oh, rabbit style. But only a training
course master can perform that."
HOLOGRAM: Long jumping requires
its own charging module,
HOLOGRAM: seen here.
Cool!
HOLOGRAM: To activate your long jump,
you will have to duck and move forward,
HOLOGRAM: and then launch into a jump.
HOLOGRAM: Once you're up on the platform,
HOLOGRAM: press the button and I
will demonstrate the move.
Damn, this thing's bulky.
Makes me wonder
what the hell it's used for.
Man, I don't see any projectors and that
thing's running around like it's a ghost.
Wish I had one for the lab; I
could scare the crap out of people.
HOLOGRAM: Nice job.
THAT WAS AWESOME!
Who needs a reason when this
module's that much fun to use?
Government funding kicks ass.
I still want a hologram, though.
How cool would it be
to set one up in the lab
so that one of the
scientists walks in,
I have a hologram of a homeless guy run
up to him and try and stab him with a knife.
People would be spilling their
coffee, that's for sure.
I could hide some speakers to make
an audio clip sync up with the hologram.
Then they would hear the bum's footsteps
and him going, "YEENNNNNGGGH!"
People would crap their pants, man.
I'd need a hidden camera, too.
HOLOGRAM: Please, start the lift
by moving up to the button,
HOLOGRAM: looking at it and
pressing the use key.
Sure. You want me to press a
button, I'll press a button.
I could press buttons all day!
HOLOGRAM: Now that you're up
here, there's only one way down.
HOLOGRAM: Find the target on the floor below
and do your best to hit it.
HOLOGRAM: If you take
any damage from the fall,
HOLOGRAM: we will administer
medical care at the next station.
They want me to jump from this
height onto flat concrete?
There must be a typo with the
instructions or something
I could climb down, but they
want me to hit that target.
I'm not doing that.
That's retarded.
So, I guess I failed the lemming
portion of the test,
but hopefully that's not
required to pass the whole course.
I think I'll get out of here and
go take my lunch break.
I'll just tell everybody
I passed training.
No one's going to check this.